Monthly Archives: August 2015

Tell Me

What can I do for you?
your fake smile makes me feel helpless
because it tells me
there is nothing to be done.

Could I smile for you?
cheer you up with forced laughter
happy musings, predictable jokes,
denial of my own dark moods.

Could I be mad for you?
shake out your despair, slap away your stress,
yell the negativity our of your ears,
angrily sigh and blow away your fears.

Could I cry for you?
tears classified as a crocodile’s,
rivers of lies, oceans of gloom,
rainy clouds looming over you.

Maybe you’d feel bad enough
to feel good then.
Is it possible to make you feel better
by making you feel worse?
Or am I being demented,
trying to better your mentality?

There is only so much I can do for you.

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Swing

A few weeks ago, swinging high on a swing in the park, grasping the metal chains warmed by the sun, I looked towards the sky like I always do when I’m swinging. Swing forward, closer to the sky, swing back, further. Lean back, feet to the air, kicking the clouds. Let go of the chains for a while, reach for the sky. Touch its wondrous, soft blue that only a good day can bring about. Then fall back for a while and propel forward again.

It is only on the swing that I have the few positive philosophical musings of my life. It is on the swing I feel as if anything is possible and that maybe if we just keep swinging–keep moving forward, no matter how many times we are kicked back–we can achieve anything.

As I touched the blue sky with the tip of my fingers, I felt like I could grasp anything if I could touch the sky. The sky, however, is not the limit. With the breeze passing over my face, disheveling my hair, I knew I could reach as high as I wanted, even if the place I’m aiming for is beyond the sky–not in my world–because I’ll make it part of my world eventually: Whatever position I’m vying for, whatever career I am aiming for, I can make it one day even if it isn’t part of my world, life, yet.

Then, I got off the swing, with that sort of uplifting feeling warming me–as the sun warmed the black swing–and tripped on the steps. Laughing at myself, I got back to worrying and stressing out about my life and where I’m going with it.

Such is the life of a realist that insists on being a romantic.

un-Listening to My Heart

Want but cannot have.

or can I have?

I don’t know why I always hold myself back,
resisting the temptations of only good things,
subjecting myself to the bad that is bad for me–supposedly good.

There is nothing wrong with what I want,
yet I let others convince me that what I want, love, is wrong,
There is nothing wrong with what I want,
yet I let others convince me that it is wrong,
There is nothing wrong with what I want,
I let others convince me.

but

There is nothing wrong with–

except

The only thing holding me back is

me

and the cycle of my thoughts–

but there is nothing wrong–

but others–

Your Definition

Give me the definition of always.

The teardrops on your lashes? The memories in your mind?
Your hand and mine? Faded photographs on our wall?

Give me the definition of always.

Because I want to memorize it and understand it in a way I never could before,
when there was never an always in my life.

Let me interpret its multiple meanings, let it give meaning to my life,
let me linger in the moment, the promising momentum, of always, unpromised.

Always–it always seems so undefined, but I have hope in your definition,
I hope your definition is right.

Please, give me your definition of always, and let it always be true.

So, College

It’s even better than I expected.

College is the one thing I’ve been looking forward to for over a decade–yes, since I was only three or four–and it is everything I expected it to be with more to come. From intellectual fulfillment to a social life unlike anything I’ve experienced before to taking care of myself without older adults nagging at me for every little thing–this is the life I had been looking forward to and putting in long hours for.

Sometimes, it still feels surreal, as if none of this is really happening because it’s too good (and a little too fast after all these years) to be true. The transition seemed to be seamless, but not everything is what it seems to be–there are still days when I have to remind myself–I’m on my own now, I’m in college, this isn’t high school, and it’s not even like high school.

I actually have to take care of myself now–make sure I eat when I should, the right amount, wash my own clothes, dishes, navigate in a new city (maps and life), and all the other little things that I never seemed to pay attention to before when my family was around me practically 24/7. But it’s always the little things that make all the difference–they make me work harder, they make me grow, and learn more about what real life is all about with little baby steps at a time. And every step, I enjoy.

The experience is only just beginning, but I honestly can’t wait to see where it all goes. It’s weird that it hasn’t even been a week since college began, yet I feel like I’ve already grown tremendously–imagine what a semester would do, a year, four years (?!). It seems crazy–I haven’t even joined a bunch of extracurricular activities yet.

I have, however, had a ton of freedom–way more than I’m used to (I come from the old tiger parent type of family–look up tiger mom if you don’t know what I mean). I’ve gotten to have so much fun with my new friends already (no, I don’t party), and I can’t wait to see what’s to come if this is only the beginning–barely a week.

By the way, I’m sorry I haven’t been posting as much–I’ll probably start doing something more like one post a day instead of my usual 2-3 posts per day because college (and taking care of myself) is very time-consuming of course. However, I am still very very committed to this blog, and now that things are settling down, I will definitely try my best post one new post per day (sorry about some of the recent recycled posts). If I skip a day, I’m super sorry. I really don’t want to… I’ll try my best!

Also, because I feel like I need to say this more often: thank you so much for reading and supporting me in whatever way, whether that be a like, follow, or glance! It means a lot, really. You guys (in the general sense of the word guys) and the color orange make me so happy.

The Blogger Recognition Award

bloggerrec_award

I’ve been busy with college and all lately (sorry for not posting as often as I used to and sometimes posting old things), but I’m taking the time to make a very long post now because Ramexa nominated me for The Blogger Recognition Award! It’s not the award so much that attracts me–it’s the opportunity to reveal a bit more about myself (and make a nice long post), so I decided to take some time from my hectic college schedule and do it!

(The following are the rules for this award, though I may not follow all of them because it sounds too much like advertising):

1) Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to.
2) You cannot nominate yourself or the person who has nominated you.
3) Write a post to show your award.
4) Give a brief story of why you started writing a blog.
5) Give a piece of advice to new bloggers.
6) Attach the award to the post (right click, and save then upload)
7) Comment on each blog and let them know that you have nominated them.
8) Provide a link to the award post you created.)

Why did I start blogging?

Like I’ve said many times, I started the blog because I wanted to try something new as I started a new life at college, and I wanted a space to put all of my ideas and share my writing with a community of people who relate to me (without being self-conscious, hence the anonymity). Over time, this blog has also become a motivator for me to write more often and with more variety, so I’m extremely glad I started this, and extremely grateful to everyone who has ever liked, followed, commented, or supported me in any way through this blog (or even just glanced at it).

This blog started as an experiment that I wasn’t sure if I would continue, but it has become a successful support system in its own way, a motivator consisting of small orange dots and stars and little icon faces that I am happy to see every day (and all appearing in such little time, wow). Not only does it motivate me to write often, it motivates me to write more things outside of my comfort zone and try different styles and topics that I’ve never touched before and never thought I would touch.

So, I guess this answer sort of went from why did I start blogging to why do I continue to blog. To summarize this, I started this blog as an experiment/new thing and as an anonymous outlet for my work. I continue to blog because it is a motivator in terms of writing frequency, writing variety (style, length, genre), and it lifts my mood in small ways every day.

A piece of advice?

The same old cliches: be yourself, be creative, and try new things. It’s cliche, but sincere, honestly. I think those are the three most important things in terms of blogging. You have to do what you want with your personal blog and have some fun with it, whatever that means to you.

The bloggers I nominate for this award are:

Blair King, In Noir Velvet, Kosmogonic, E.I. Wong, and thefeatheredsleep.

Sorry it’s not “15 bloggers”, and I won’t be commenting with my link on their site, but if they happen to come across this, that’s great.

Side note:

Even if I have nominated you, you don’t have to do this–I know it takes a lot of time and whatnot, but just know that I like you a lot, haha. I did this purely for fun and to talk a little more about myself (as if there isn’t already enough of that, right?), and also I think it’s good for building community and whatnot. Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to read my ramblings! (I still can’t believe you guys do sometimes. You’re all the best, really.)

Good Grades

It’s too bad that in reality,
There is no extra credit.

There is no chance to cover up your mistakes,
to unfail yourself before the end,
to fill the massive hole of a zero,
signaling that something is missing in your life.

We either have to get it right the first time,
or try again next time.

Luckily, there are no grades either.
At least in life no one will judge you based on
How many times you’ve failed.

…Right?