Tag Archives: life

Taking the Bait

The pain twists and turns around inside,
Like itchy, creepy vines crawling up my spine.
The thorns stab all the deep dark corners
Where I keep my secrets–images of you.

There is no crevice this poison doesn’t reach,
Seeping into my pores and organs and more.
It squeezes me dry and leaves me hollow,
Leaving me to wallow in my own wet tears.

I reach for my memories but it is too late,
They’re distorted and forced out–they were bait.
I took it and swallowed knowing nothing else could be done.
Holding on to what was left, I left it all behind.

What Will I Do?

What will I do when I no longer have you
To stitch my wounds closed and close my eyes
To the cruelty of the world?

What will I do when I no longer have you
To take the sword out of my chest
And the pain gets the best of me?

What will I do when I no longer have the ability
To get up out of my bed anymore
Without wanting more from the universe?

What will I do when I am no longer alive
Inside, where I keep the image of you safe
And sound becomes the melody of my fears?

What will I do when I no longer have you?

Peach-colored visions

I can’t think
in peach-colored visions.

I used to think in so many colors,
They’d splatter against the canvas and cause so much clutter.
Now it’s blank and I can’t seem to fill it
No matter how hard I try to will it.

My hands are falling way out of touch,
Touching the keyboard doesn’t do much.
When my fingertips reach for a word,
It slips away with the rest, gone unheard.

I miss the watercolor visions, one big blur
Splashing against the edges so rigid and sure.
They’d blend and bend, break and churn,
So unlike me, as I would learn.

Now I can no longer rhyme or tell the time,
I can no longer sing or cry or plea or whine,
Speak or walk or try or fight,
Color or create or write.

This
is my attempt to retrieve my mind.

Denied Access

I

A closed off world, no longer reachable by me. My brain, not wrapping around the intricate non-geometry–such an abstract plane. This same world used to play right into my hands, dancing on the fingertips of my misery, the fingertips unique to each different mystery. Now the mysteries go unsolved as the pen stops and so do my thoughts.

II

The locks won’t stop me from checking though. I’ll go down every alley until I can access that universe again–the one I used to get lost in, loved in, felt safe in. The one that accepted me when my family couldn’t, the one that filled the void when my own universe broke. I know it’s hidden away somewhere, I still have the key–I just can’t find the right lock.

III

The universe, the universe. Abundant indeed, always came to me in my time of need. I drowned in it without dying, frowned in it without crying, and was allowed to do what I want without my limits always lying. I want  to go back, if only it’d let me. Where is it now–why does my memory escape me?

IV

I think I’ve found it–there was just a small piece missing. It turns out that every door was unlocked, I just didn’t have the strength to knock. I knocked them down and threw away the key–a very useless thing, trivial to me. Only strength of emotion can get me in–a happiness, sadness, anger, or frustration. I’ve made my own kind of key and will use it well, though honestly, only time will tell.

Really, now

Lost myself?

I am only now allowed to find myself,
Coming up from under the rock that is your fist,
I’m experiencing my firsts,
A grown up baby,
Still a baby due to your fumbling,

Mumbling that you don’t know me anymore,
When you never knew me in the first place,
Because you didn’t want to see me as anything but your idea of perfect.

Don’t talk to me
If all you have to say is “slut”,
Because I know I’m not
Forgetting what I am? Forgetting where I’m from?
I wish, but I will never forget being ruled under your thumb,

That shy girl is not the girl you thought you raised,
Obedient little girl you (hardly) praised,
Please, allow, allow for once in your life,
Me
To show you who I am and how I’ve changed
Because I’m no longer your little minion,
Despite what you think I’ve grown quite independent…
Actually always have been, but you never quite saw it,
But oh well no one but you is competent

So if,
Hypothetically,
I have lost myself
(If so it’d be due to you erasing my identity),
Maybe instead of trying to find me, then,
Allow me to find myself, fix my own mistakes,
Figure out for myself what it takes
To live life without a helicopter, blades cutting my neck,
Burdening my shoulder.

Leave me alone,
I won’t call if I need help

I’d rather it not end

The end is just the beginning.

We try our best to dream, twisting our necks around towards the sound of clapping hands, sparks flying from their lagging souls. Sparking laughter and admiration, blurry faces in the crowd, they blur out the sound of the ending that blends into the opening. Act on your wishes and don’t let them be drowned out by the beat of another’s heart, screaming at your eyes for wandering much too far. There’s no denying who you are. They can’t deny you from afar.

We explore new territory even when they blot out our eyes, feel our way through because they can’t blot out our mind, blot out our drive. Touch the surface of the desk, the cup that holds our fantasies, the soft blankets of our safe nest, the one they can’t take away from us. We smile because who else could tell us what to feel now? I mean, we’re not tied down.

So then let the story begin and don’t fear when it ends
because the end is the beginning of the beginning to a new end.

The Infinity Dreams Award

Sorry it took me so long to get to this and thank you (again) to Erika for nominating me!
(I honestly think this should be called the 11:11 Wish award or something, haha.)

Guidelines: 

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you
  2. Share eleven facts about yourself
  3. Answer the questions that were set for you to answer
  4. Nominate eleven bloggers and set questions for them

11 facts about me: 

  1. I’m extremely extroverted, and I get my energy from being around people. If I pulled an all-nighter and seem mopey, stick me in one of my groups of friends, and I’ll be hyped up in 2 minutes.
  2. I always put too much on my plate. Half-intentionally, half-unintentionally. Some call it impressive; I call it stupid.
  3. I’ve recently felt the flow of poetry through my veins again. I am back after a four month hiatus. Hurrah!
  4. I am happy. That is a great life achievement, I think… However fleeting that happiness is.
  5. This is really random but I like to play dress-up games a lot. Well, I like to play all games a lot, but I’ve stuck to this one really cute dress-up game on my phone in particular for a lot longer than I stick to most of my games on my PC.
  6. I smile at random strangers a lot–every single one I pass by–even if they seem anti-social or busy. I think it’s a good thing, but I’m really not sure.
  7. I see the world through rose-colored glasses. I see everything in a positive light. AKA I’m too trusting of the world and of people; I think everyone is innately good. I still think this is a positive quality regardless of what my parents say.
  8. Eight is my favorite number. Turn it sideways, and it’s infinity. Boop. (Get it? Infinity Awards. Please laugh.)
  9. I have a friend named Naing. It’s pronounced nine, and so I always give him a 9/10 rating. If I’m feeling extra generous, I give him a 9.9/10 rating.
  10. I have ten thousand worries every minute of the day. I need to relax more often.
  11. I make the same wish every single time I catch 11:11, whether it be morning or night.

Answers to the assigned questions:

1. If you could travel and explore a certain place in the world, which location would you choose?

Anywhere, as long as it’s with the one I love. England would be preferred though, haha. I might actually study abroad there at the University of Cambridge. Fingers crossed.

2. By the end of your life, what would you have wanted to have accomplished?

I have done one thing on my bucket list, and that is lead a protest. Oh, I’ve also MCed and made a roomful people face-palm at my puns ten times in one night. And, actually, I’ve also done some other things on my bucket list, but they’re a little sketchier so I’ll leave that up to your imagination. The other hundred are yet to be achieved, and I honestly don’t want to list them all out. Hopefully, my life will continue to be exciting though.

3. Do certain songs remind you of memories or certain times of your life?

Sort of, but I kind of always listen to songs throughout my life and not just in one period of time. I guess some specific ones do, but I can’t pinpoint any right now. Actually, there are some songs that have gotten me through rough times or allowed me to let me emotions out. One of them is Human by Christina Perri. The other songs are just a bunch of rock (which, by the way, is my favorite genre).

4. When we live our every-day lives, we will most likely come into contact with others, and in the long run, we impact those individual’s lives for better or for worse. So! Do you think that our society has been a good steward with such a power?

Yes and no. I’ve read up a lot about the sh*t going on in the world, and I’ve heard from those close to me about all the bad things that happen to them or around them. And I’ve experienced bad things myself of course. But on the other hand, I’ve experienced so many good things, met so many good people. I personally have faith in humanity, and I try to be the best human I can be.

5. Would you rather travel by plane or by train?

Plane, probably. Actually, I haven’t experienced a train yet. I honestly would not know until I experience both. Probably either one. I only get motion sickness in the car. I love plane rides and boat rides. I just don’t know about train rides.

6. What steps can you take to ultimately reach your dreams and goals?

Well, my ultimate goal is happiness, and I don’t want to get into the specifics of all my dreams and goals, so I’ll leave it at that. My steps to happiness… well I’m already working on that with a lot of effort, reflection, self-care, and half-hearted relaxation techniques (which may seem sort of contradictory, but whatever).

7. What are your top three most FAVORITE quotes?

#1 is from my About page: “Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility” (William Wordsworth).

#2 is: “Always do what you are afraid to do” (Unknown). // “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life–and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do” (Georgia O’Keeffe).

#3 is: “Don’t let people make you feel bad or guilty for living your life. It is your life. Live it the way you want” (Unknown).

8. If you could eliminate one thing from your life, what would it be?

Fear.

9. Which do you prefer: a rainy day or a sunny day?

I like both. I prefer it sunny 75% of the time and rainy 25% of the time.

10. About what percent of your day do you spend on social media?

I spend pretty much all day connected to social media in some way, shape, or form. Unless I’m doing something where I really need to be in the moment like say a protest or an important class/lecture.

11. What’s your favorite game to play with a large amount of people?

Hot Seat or Never Have I Ever. Great for getting to know people. Mafia, cards, League, Terraria, or CounterStrike is fun too.

My nominees:

One of my best friends (I only have 2 right now you know), Wordsmith, …Et Cetera

And then everyone else, haha. I don’t like tagging people much. Feel free to do the 11 facts and 11 Q&A if you feel up for it.

Questions for the nominees:

Same as the above. I enjoyed answering them.

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me and listening to my boring life story! I hope to do more of these in the future. Thank you all again for reading!